oops! something happened...

oops! something happened...

Episode 1 Continues

this is part 2. please see part 1 first.

 last time on smelly billa

the realms of the village underworld wreaked havoc on one billa.

despite continued strategizing, the beasts of waters black 

could not be held back in their relentless invasion.

back to part 1




"who was left standing"

in B minor

(click below)


exhibit 4: The Final Battle
subtitle: do you think a little tape will stop the beast?

even though i had taken back the second outpost in that old battle down at the washing machine's drain (see exhibit 2), the beasts of the village-underlair were more clever and deceptive than i had skill to apprehend.

now, instead of drifting upward into the billa through that gap in the washing machine's drain, they simply stayed their course up the drain pipe. how ironic that this newly sealed pipe would become a newly paved way, a way into the billa from whence the beasts might reach the insides of the washing machine itself. and whither arriving, they festered and slobbered and awaited their onslaught.

i thought i had every crack in my wall sealed. but these beasts had no regard for my wall. 

'twas only the doomed drain of helm's deep.
video dialog: Helm's Deep has one weakness. It's outer wall is solid rock but for a small culvert at its base, which is little more than a drain.... [But] how? How can fire undo stone? What kind of device could bring down a wall?
[LOTR, Vol. 2]

and doomèd indeed was this drain.
the unassuming hole in the wall
which becomes passageway to
thee, mine enemy.

--La Forge 

taking stronghold within the washing machine itself, the beasts curled out in a mad dance, foul of vengeance, far worse than in those days when i had first set out against them.

all this work, all this wall-building, pretty much ended like this.

the fall of helm's deep, its drain.

and who can tell the sense of defeat and horror which swept that day through the billa. for the entire battle was only a trap.

i too would now be pulled under into their bog of decay and deceit.

but it was just then, blind with doubt and falling to my face, that every never was met by every not, for it was as though wise lady galadrial of lórien herself appeared to renew my senses and my courage...

for before me i saw a twisting shape, a figure like a noose. and i heard this word:

this battle was to be a trap,
but not for thee who fell.
keep this figure in your eye.
for with ye, it shall go well.

and then i knew it. i was to jump over the walls and "trap" this beast in its own realm.

and in the wise lady's eyes i could see that this was to be the final attack and the last of arms, for after this, if valiantly i might wax, the shire would once again be safe and glad.

the following plan was drafted and executed:

it was midnight and i was alone. the beasts could be smelled a mile away and gaining. to make the drain tube longer by adding an extension was the first objective.

after lengthening this channelway into the underlairs, i might then bend it into a trap of sorts.

that is, a p-trap.

but the work of adding an extension would open the conduit between the billa and the lower realms. i had to be quick.

the beasts knew exactly what i was doing, howling furious with insanity across the chasm as i constructed the trap. and all the fouler became their stench as they drew nigh. but the daybreak we had all prayed for so long to see was upon us, for as quickly as that operation to stop the beasts began, it was all over.
because the trap shape is now installed, residual water will always sit in one end of the tube (between the washing machine and the trap) until being flushed by the next load. if your tubing is not long enough to form into a trap and still reach the drain, an extension can be purchased at a household appliance (electronics) store or at the open market at the stall that sells hardware and rustic things. again, make sure it's tightly fastened together and then sured up with the clamp-ring. See * at end of post. 

the flexi-tube was almost rigid enough to hold its own, but i had to tie it together with a couple of those handcuff/luggage strap things (black).
 and all over, indeed.

what greetings now await our visitor
yonder side our little gate.
a pretty snare, a little noose,
a tightened cord to seal his fate.

--La Forge
the beasts of waters wicked did arrive that night, i'm sure. but as soon as they did, they were taken down at that place which would forever, in village lore, become the last outpost

and thus truly named, for those beasts of waters black have been as still as a stone since that hour, and until this day.


Conclusion and Aftermath

the billa underworld is nasty and vile, replete with orcs, hobgoblins, and the like. i suspect the invasions shall never cease, neither with fig nor frost. and i suppose that if any of these four outposts i've here chronicled were
ever to shift or meet with neglect, even this, helm's billa, would again be taken.

however, now the old poem is made true:

billa, billa
beautiful bright,
what sweet smells
now envisage thy sight!
--La Forge

and a true poem indeed, for there is a new smell in the air, cleaner and fresher than
ever before. 'tis a sweet scent which my friend John from the introduction thinks he's smelling each time he visits my billa.

but really, this overwhelming freshness is a phenomena known as no scent at all. [hear What is Odour, and What is the 'Fresh Air' Smell on Clean Laundry??]

and no longer am i met with jeers and pleas from billa villagers, urging me to just move on, to give up. 

rather, when these folks pay me their pleasant visits, they now walk in and can't help but comment, saying "you just did laundry, didn't you?" or "it smells so good in here, did you just mop your floor?"


just a few tricks i picked up along the way from an old friend.

Smelly Billa 
why stink?

Johnny Random경기도  평택시, 2009
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

* the advice in this and in other Smelly Billa posts is not intended to be taken as professional or universal advice. while i've only enjoyed the benefits of (and have never encountered damage or distress as a result of) the above procedures, i cannot endorse these things to be universally effective or safe in every billa, nor be held responsible for things gone wrong. please assess your own situation wisely and with the counsel of elders, and proceed at your own discretion and risk. as an additional note, all taping-up of stuff in my billa described above was actually done by an "engineer" (엔지니어... the plumber who didn't believe me). the plumber's visit was arranged by my employer and through my landlord. it is always best to go through higher channels when fighting such beasts. after defeating one, it could whip around on its way down to the abyss to slice you in half with its razor-sharp tail, and take you down with it (i.e., you could get the smell out of your house but end up flooding your whole building and be hooped for ever and ever). Please be careful.

No comments:

Post a Comment